Like many amateur golfers I’ll be glued to The Players Championship at TPC Sawgrass this month. I’m a spectacularly mediocre player who occasionally plays a good round, and the hope of repeating that is what keeps me returning to the course. Golf is addictive like that…
Almost as addictive is ‘golf bingo’. Never heard of it? Next time you play, tick off as many types of golfer as you can during a round. Bonus points if you’re playing alongside them. Minus points if you’re one of them.
The Waggler – Budget speeches don’t last as his pre-shot routine, and worse it makes no difference. Five full practice swings will be followed by a slice into neighbouring woodland…every time.
Mr. Mobile – His phone rings in the middle of your first backswing, it’s an urgent call. He then puts it vibrate where it does just that repeatedly, sounding like an angry hornet trapped in his back pocket. Amusingly, the number of phone calls is usually inversely related to the importance of his job. Seriously, if Obama could play an uninterrupted round there’s no excuse!
The Croucher – Reads every putt from every angle…then misses anyway. I may be this person!
The Guru – Offering unsolicited advice on everything from your swing to the choice of caddy. It would be so much easier to take if he hadn’t already lost six balls before the third hole.
The Sulker – Every golfer has a bad round or three, but he (nearly always a bloke again…sorry guys) can’t laugh it off, and refuses to drink it off, so storms off instead.
The Traditionalist – He dresses like he’s playing in the Ryder Cup circa 1929. I secretly admire his dapper style…but the kids would kill me if I dressed like that.
The Chatterbox – Talks over every putt, and all the time you’re setting up for a drive. And you’re never sure if its accidental or whether it’s part of some diabolical masterplan to mess with your game!
Mr. Angry – Can throw a toddler-worthy tantrum over a missed six-foot putt. It’s both amusing and cringeworthy and you can’t take your eyes off it.
The Blamer – It was the sun, the wind, a passing pigeon, a buzzing bee, celebrations from the next hole, a bad back, a gippy tummy, a fight with a spouse…anything in fact except their lousy swing.
Anyone call ‘House’ yet? Now if you’ll excuse me I’m off to practice my waggle?